53)
The Raven Woman stepped aside, gesturing for Alex to walk past her. “You will need to call the Labyrinth from within you.” She said, “The labyrinth is already there, waiting for you; it has always been there.”
Alex walked down the slope to the valley floor where a few rocks jutted out of the ground. Looking around he could see that there were more boulders strewn about either side of the valley. He sat down on one of the rocks and tried connecting with his true self again.
The conversation with the Raven Woman had been quite taxing, but enlightening nonetheless as he now understood what was needed from him. Alex closed his eyes, straightened his back and took three deep breaths, allowing himself to connect with Bellkipeg. He tried to picture the Labyrinth within him, imagining it as a whole entity so he could magic it into existence before him. But the more he tried, the harder it was for him to visualise it.
Alex soon gave up trying and opened his eyes. Bizarrely he now found himself in a corridor where the walls, floor and ceiling of which were made of worn grey stone. This had to be the Labyrinth that the Raven Woman had told him about, he’d obviously manifested it correctly. All he had to do now was reconnoiter the twists and turns until he reached the centre and The Mirror Of Sfel would be waiting for him. What could be easier than that?
Alex carried on walking again with a spring in his step, this was going to be far easier than what he thought. Even though there was no discernible lighting he could still see quite a way in front. Each step echoed slightly, but apart from that there were no other
sounds; he was completely alone. No matter, he thought, it wouldn’t be much further and there was bound to be a fork in the tunnel soon; and then he’d be forced to choose a direction to take.
More time passed and Alex was concerned that he hadn’t seen any turnings or junctions, there was just the corridor leading directly ahead. The light was always at a constant and illuminated just a few feet in front of him before being swallowed up by darkness. This was probably just another trick of Bellkipeg, he’d probably passed lots of exits but hadn’t been looking right…
Whilst walking he could feel memories stir in his mind. Stroboscopic images at first but soon he could hold one image at a time. Not since his encounter with the Vaurac had he remembered anything from his life previous to waking in Bellkipeg. He smiled; it was happening just as the Raven Woman had predicted.
There were fleeting memories of him watching videos alone as a child in his bedroom.
He didn’t share his life with many people, he didn’t know how to. Each time he tried he ended up on his own in a far worse state of mind with emotional scars to prove it.
The light faded around him but he carried on walking regardless, happy to revisit these long lost memories. There were times when he’d speak to his parents about the problems in his life only to be ignored or bought with toys or books. No one seemed to understand him or care, and it wasn’t long before he ceased caring too. When that happened he turned to fantasy more and more. He sought out the writers that took him to faraway lands that allowed him to soar in the air with dragons, to fight with ogres and giants.
Little did he realise, at that age, that such things were real. And now he was trapped in this tunnel which didn’t end anywhere, just constantly stretched out in the same direction. Endlessly.
It wasn’t long before he felt claustrophobic. The tunnel itself hadn’t changed in size,
but he had been walking it for so long he was starting to get paranoid again. He was remembering all the times he had been left to his own devices, the loneliness he had felt as a child. He walked faster, trying to outpace his memories, and before long he was running down the corridor, his footsteps reverberating round the walls making it seem as if there were more people with him.
54)
But with each footstep another memory was pushed to the surface, forcing him to relive it. Heartaches, disappointments and anger burned within where he had no chance to vent it and each echo proved to him how alone he was.
And he knew, Alex knew, that when he finally found the mirror Anjinn and Allura would no longer need him and they would leave him just as everyone else had.
The further he ran, the darker it became and the more claustrophobic Alex felt. He stopped and tried to calm himself down; tried to step outside of his shell as he had done during his initiation, but he couldn’t. There was something stopping him here, the oppressive feeling was now becoming too powerful for him to block. The thoughts of finding the Mirror were being replaced by rejection and worthlessness.
“..if I were to say that I was unworthy to find the Mirror then I never be worthy of anything, for the Mirror has the capacity to show me my true self and no one is unworthy to be their truth..” Alex had said that some time ago and had believed it with all of his very being, but now it seemed an impossible task and he was far from worthy.
In the past he had been able to shrug off these feelings, draw from some deep reserve and plough on through, but all he could do now was walk; he could no longer be bothered to run, it all seemed so pointless. The light was almost gone now and all that was left was a dark shade of grey from which he could discern no more than a couple of inches in front of him.
Alex now accepted that there was only the one path, and that had been the path he
had trod all his whole life, alone. There was only ever the one path, despite how many times he had looked back and wished for other directions, or pondered over missed opportunities. He knew now that there were never any opportunities, it was just him.
When the darkness finally swallowed him whole Alex welcomed it, for it meant that he no longer had to fool himself that he was the Lightbringer. All the time there was light showing he could pretend that he was the source.
He was now left with the undeniable truth that he had failed in his quest; that despite all he had been through with the Grugrk and the Faire initiation he was nothing. He’d been tricked into believing that he could save the Land, when in reality he was nothing. Just a child really, as Onyx had said when they first met, just an over-indulged child.
Alex couldn’t figure out how long he had been walking, but it didn’t seem to matter any more. He could no longer block out the feelings of worthlessness and defeat. He felt the strength suddenly drain from his body and he collapsed onto the cold, hard stone. He could no longer contain the tears and with each sob he could feel the memories drain away, as if he was letting each one go. All the feelings that had dominated his life for so long were being released. All the rejection and disappointment; the barely suppressed hatred that he had felt for those closest to him all were now being brought to the surface with heaving sobs, before being released. None of it was real.
55)
By admitting to his own darkness the feeling of claustrophobia no longer gripped him, he felt quite serene. He no longer felt the need to carry on walking but just stared at the blackness inside of him; it was strangely peaceful. In the distance Alex saw a flicker of light, no bigger than a match-head but to him it was like a super-nova. He pushed himself off the ground with a renewed vigor and walked slowly towards the light, uncertain which way he was facing. He had no idea where the walls were any
more, he was completely disorientated and all he cared about was that little glimmer of light beckoning to him and getting larger with every footstep he took.
All his previous fears and concerns, all the memories that had held him back no longer concerned him; all that he focused on now was the light, it was his beacon; the only thing that he cared about. He knew that running wouldn’t bring it any closer, it was a light that mirrored the light within himself. To bring it closer to him he needed to shine his light brighter, so shine he did.
The light now doubled in size the closer he got to it, and before long it blinded. Alex stopped walking and stood looking into the light; it was a brilliant white light that drew him into its depths and whispered to him of great strength and courage. It told him of all the great truths that had been buried among the lies he’d been told, that his path did have meaning; that his life had meaning; that as the Lightbringer he would bring hope not only to Bellkipeg but everywhere that he walked. The Mirror Of Sfel was a mirror of Self, the true self. The Deluge was an extension of the Other, the lack of identification of Self. By giving the Mirror to Allura and Anjinn they would be able to save their village and restore the heart of Bellkipeg.
Alex listened once more to the light and nodded. He then stretched out his left hand, reached out into the light until he felt the warmth coalesce into his hand and become solid from which he could finally grip.
He pulled hard for it felt impossibly heavy; eventually the weight diminished until he was able to see the source of the light. It was his own light reflected back at him through a mirror.
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